Quit stalling |
Twice in the last few weeks, now, I’ve received in the mail
two separate letters about pre-planning for my demise. Is the Grim Reaper
lurking outside my house, or is it simply my demographic profile?
You’re sixty-eight. High time to face
facts: Unless you take the bull by the horns, you can’t afford to die.
The tone of both letters is solicitous but implicitly
scolding: Of course you don’t want to
think about death, you schmuck, but do you really want to compromise your
family?
“Dear Friend,” begins the first letter. (“Friend” is
appropriate, I assume, given that we’re all in the same boat, the one bound for
oblivion.) “We need your help…In order to assist with sensitive, caring and
professional help when people are in need, we need to know the real thoughts
and feelings of individuals just like you.” Individuals just like me, meaning
those who will die some day?
To better to plumb my real thoughts and feelings, they’ve put
together a survey, simple (all Yes or No or multiple-choice answers) and
to-the-point:
“If you have given thought to this subject, which of the
following would you choose for yourself?
Burial, or Cremation.” (And if you haven’t
given thought to it, start now, ya big ox!)
“How important to you personally is the location (proximity)
of a Cemetery?” About as important, I’d say, as the location of a lunatic
asylum: Not in my neighborhood. In
truth, the location won’t concern me if I’m the one buried there, which is
probably not what they’re getting at.
I’m completing the survey and sending it back, as they’ve
promised me an “absolutely free” Final Wishes Organizer to be delivered in
return. Maybe now I can get organized, at last.
My other letter goes the first one better, offering two
“absolutely free” books, a “10 Things Everyone Should Know” guide, plus one
called “Imagine.” The sender is in California but has three convenient local
affiliates here. This one doesn’t bother with a survey, but just assumes that
I’m not so inconsiderate as to leave my family in the lurch. Their FREE
information will put me “in control,” and also show me how to “add personality
to (my) service and make it a real celebration of life,” one I won’t be able to
attend. Leave ‘em laughing, in other words.
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